Volcanic Memory Lane

Rain, rain, go away,
Come again some other day,
We want to go outside and play,
Come again some other day.

Tonight could easily be a bad night for me.

Truly, any night lately could be a bad night for me. I am, however, doing very well at the distraction game for the moment. When some unpleasant memory comes up, I shake it off. I’ve been devouring distractions left and right.

Moving back to Texas wasn’t without its dangers. I knew the risk I was taking by being back in my old stomping grounds. I knew the memories that lay dormant here, just waiting for my presence to ignite into a dancing fire of whispered regrets and deserted dreams. I still feel my freedom was well worth the price.

Driving down familiar streets (which is kind of everywhere as I’ve  lived in nearly every suburb of the large City), faces from the past long buried are unexpectedly exhumed. I stare reluctantly at the nearly visible faces in my car window, long after the street/house/apartment complex has faded from view. Cursed with a temperamental memory, I seem to have no control over my ability to be rocketed back to the past at any given moment with just a mere turn of phrase or a specific fast food joint. Yet, I can barely recall my own childhood, drawing on a few distinct memories and relying on my best friend Nik’s nearly photographic memory to fill in the blanks.

Last week it was the street I spent all my preteen years on, a few days ago it was a Hannah Montana backpack on some random kid’s back, today it was unpacking and a TV program . Finding mementos from a past that should never have existed, I did everything I could to shove the memories down, back into a dark corner of my mind where they couldn’t drag me into No Man’s Land. Taking a trip down that Memory Lane can only bring on sadness and a deep seated regret I am dead tired of having to reconcile with myself. I took a deep breath, stopped unpacking and went to make myself some lunch while watching TV. Distraction.

I’m content that the path I’m on now is a better and more enlightened one, for all my hinted at tragedy I speak of here, and I know better than to indulge my dramatic nature right now. Things are too tenuous and I am not in a stable enough spot to delve into the darkness that I can sense shadowing my steps. In Florida, I was forced to slow down and face these things head on…I set my shoulders, resigned myself to being completely alone (not even close to an easy task for me) and faced the shadows head on.

I’ve had enough for awhile.

It is partly why I’ve been wasting my time, staying up late and sleeping in, while occupying my waking hours with non-stop and most often, non-productive activity. I’m avoiding the aforementioned thoughts and yet not making the best use of my distractions. Overall, I am disappointing myself and it must come to an end.

It’s all a matter of baby steps, chunking out each process to avoid being overwhelmed by the possibilities. I tend to look about 20 Life chess moves ahead and scare the shit out of myself. Therefore, I need to set up some very clear goals soon and start the path toward them. Most of my life, I’ve been paralyzed when it comes to decision making, mainly because of my fear that I will make the wrong one and the previous choice will be lost to me forever. That indecisiveness led to my often waiting until the last minute, when either a choice was made for me or I was forced to pick one. I love deadlines for this very reason. They’ve always pushed me where I hesitated to go. For some odd reason, my fears never seem to translate to my job. I’ll learn anything, take risks and suck it up when it comes to work. A good work ethic or just yet another oddity about me? …I really don’t know.

Thankfully, I’ve made quite a few large decisions lately when I felt I needed to and as I get older, I find myself relying more confidently on my abilities and believing more in myself. A lovely exchange for the more insecure yet still carefree days of youth, I think.

Meh. To sum all this blathering up, I’m holding off the melancholy for now because I enjoy being happy and being home. I’m aware of it’s presence; I’m just hoping to deal with it on more of my own terms in the near future.