What Women Really Want

Over the years, I’ve had the same When Harry Met Sally-esque conversation with my various guy friends over and over again. I’ve had it and decided it’s about time to put an end to this discussion, once and for all.

The debate never changes, the words just rearrange. Things like the dreaded “friend zone”, “nice guy” and  questions like “Why do women want a guy who treats her like shit?” are rephrased and repeated ad nauseum.

It’s difficult to convince these guys that women don’t actually want a guy who treats them like shit. I can understand that.

One reason is that, on the surface, this does very much seems to be the case, as women do often shack up with the jerk that sleeps with her best friend instead of the sweet guy friend who has been in love with her for ages. My friends cite comedic movies to hit their points home, like My Best Friend’s Girl starring the very sexy Dane Cook as the outrageously manipulative asshole lead character, anything starring Vince Vaughn, or The 40 Year Old Virgin with the hilarious Steve Carrel as the hopelessly timid and virginal main character.

Before I go on, let me just say that I am actually on your side. You. The guys I am about to school.

First of all.

You are most likely some woman’s jerk. Did you know that? Whether it was a casual high school nerdy chick that you ditched to moon over some hot babe cheerleader you would never get; your first serious girlfriend that you never truly loved but promised the stars to; or the girl who adored YOU and you ignored because she wasn’t what you were looking for at the time.  Maybe it was something as simple as leaving someone that did love you, in a determined quest for the unrequited love of this chick whose supposed bad taste in men leaves you tormented. Whatever the case may be, you were someones jerk. So, bearing that in mind, let’s move ahead.

Here are my thoughts as an attractive young woman; I’ve seen, known, spoken with and observed more than my fair share of jerks. Let me tell you something…as usual, guys, you’re looking for the easy explanation where one doesn’t exist. The quick fix. That thinking is just the beginning of the problem. It is a lot easier to say that all women are just attracted to the jerks than to take a look at yourself and think it might actually have something to do with you.

Let’s quickly review one of the movies given as an example of the women-only-attracted-to-total-assholes theory.

My Best Friend’s Girl starred Dane Cook and co-starred Kate Hudson as the inevitable love interest. It is a MOVIE, so Kate Hudson’s character is the perfect woman; smart, beautiful, classy and yet naughty, with a rockin’ body and great sense of humor. She had no flaws, except her near virginity which she is anxious to shed (did I say flaw?) and is only waiting around for the right guy to sweep her off her feet. The guy in love with her, Dustin, is a whiny, self-sacrificing, insecure doormat and his best friend is  (drum roll please) Dane Cook, playing the sadistic misogynist with a heart of gold.

First things first. Many guys align themselves with the lovelorn Dustin’s attempt to woo the perfect Alexis (Kate Hudson) and her obvious lack of desire for him, despite his bending over backwards to make her happy. They see that and get ten kinds of over-excited.

“Well, that is exactly what happens. You treat a girl like crap and she likes you. Treat her like a princess and she hates you.”

Umm, no. Not so much.

How about this? Women (like men) are attracted to confidence. Woman want a man who does sweet things, most certainly. We DO like being treated with thoughtfulness and gentleness…but by a strong man with a mind of his own, not a pushover. There is a difference. In the movie, Dane Cook has an excellent monologue, that sums up my whole point in a succinct, vicious nutshell.

I wanted to post the quote here, but I can’t find it anywhere on the dad-blasted Internet and my friend’s copy of the movie seems to be misplaced somewhere. So, paraphrasing here, the point Dane’s character, Tank, made to the insecure, befuddled Dustin, is straightforward enough. He simply says that Dusty’s smothering with love behavior isn’t indicative of his true self and is therefore, a sham. As such, the girl doesn’t get to know him anyway and naturally rejects the guy not secure enough to be himself. Furthermore, he’s been “in love” (quotes were Tank’s, not mine) with quite a few girls and had it turn out this way. Tank attempts to make this Dusty’s wake-up call, but to no avail.

Unfortunately, confidence is often easily confused with bravado, arrogance or cockiness. None of those things are true confidence and they tend to be traits that lead you to the jerkiest of jerks. Hence, the general idea that women want an asshole.

Well, no, most of them don’t. Nearly all of us want the love story. Whichever romantic plot will do, they’re like expensive cars, you’re not really going to turn down one when it’s handed to you.

What’s your fate, little girl? See behind door number 1, 2, or 3, your choice. Cue Jeopardy music. The bad boy with a heart of gold, changing only when he finds his heart hopelessly ensnared by special you; the prince who forsakes everything in order to spend the rest of his life with you; the man whose still waters do run deep; or just that stranger who ran into you with a cup of hot coffee in his hand and you ended up spending an entire night walking and talking on the streets of your city…whatever the fantasy is, don’t judge it too harshly, boys.

You’ve got some pretty ridiculous ones of your own. A gorgeous woman, with the rack of a goddess but Adam Sandler’s sense of humor, smart but not too cynical, dressy but quick about it, seen not often heard, full of praise and low on criticism, and loves nothing more than to please you in bed, whenever and however you feel like it. These are, of course, adaptable depending on level of maturity and how many times the guy’s been burned. Toward the end, you’re just hoping for someone who will agree on the same TV shows you do.

I’ve deviated from my point here, so I’m going to sum this up. Basically, all you guys lamenting over the fact that your personal Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston or Catherine Zeta Jones won’t stop going after the jerk/asshole and ignoring you in the process, think again before the next whine comes out of your mouth. If you don’t like you, no one else will either. I had to come to terms with it and so will you.

I can consider myself an expert here, because I’ve played all positions in this game. I’ve been the wallflower nerd with smarts (basically all my school years), I’ve adored someone unachievable from a distance, I’ve been a hottie with a heart of gold and filled with naivete, and I’ve been the smarter,  choosier, knowledgeable and attractive woman. I’m telling you, take your own personal journey now. Learn to look in the mirror, assess all the bad and good qualities, set aside the bad, shake yo ass and show ‘em what you’re working with. If you don’t spend every minute wondering when if you’ll ever get laid, or pining away after someone, you’ll be amazed at how appealing that mind set can be to whomever you wish to attract. Yes, obviously, looks matter, but far, far less than you’d think.

Oh, and speaking of looks mattering, one last little rant before I go.

Guys, you have it remarkably easy, I must say. Beauty and the Beast ring a bell? You don’t have to look good to get an attractive woman. Why do you hear the constant question, “How did that guy get HER?” Sure sometimes it’s because she’s a shameless gold-digger and he’s blissfully willing to buy his happiness. However, most often, it is because he believes in himself. His game worked because it was real. For women, the unfairness only continues. If you’re slightly overweight and/or unattractive, as a woman, you’re fighting a much harder battle. As usual, guys get off easy. No period, pregnancy, or menopause. What, you lose your freaking hair? Whatevs. So, stop your bitching.

You can be the guy the girls want, without being an asshole. It’s just whether or not you’re too lazy to make the necessary changes to do so.