Hand Holding and Sex
I shocked a male friend of mine the other day when I was telling him about a terrible date I had about 7 months ago. The date wasn’t the part that rocked him, it was a throw away comment I made regarding the date that did it.
My bad date, a.k.a Mr. Riddles due to his proclivity for insisting on leaving me riddles to solve each and every time he left my presence, did a great many things to bother me during that interminable evening we spent together, but nothing was quite
as uncomfortable as the hand holding. Oh dear, the hand holding. I’m gesturing wildly while telling my friend about how Mr. Riddles and I ended up walking around the town square at one point, heading back towards the bar and the welcome effects of numbing beer…and then he did it. Mr. Riddles reached for my hand.
I pause at this point to tell my friend something a lot of people don’t know about me.
“You know, I think hand holding is almost…well, it is more intimate than having sex.”
“What?!? You do?! I’m surprised to hear that, especially from a woman.”
I shrugged. What else can I say? It’s the truth, I do feel that way. Rather strongly. I didn’t even realize I felt this way fully until that date. Setting aside that topic for a moment, I went on to describe the several attempts Mr. Riddles made to procure my hand that evening – not taking the hint each time I yanked my hand back to play with my hair, pick at my nails or even when I did nothing but stare. It is unlike me to be so obviously off-putting, but apparently boys from Boston are dense…or just incorrigible. Maybe both. Regardless, Mr. Riddles never got the hint and I eventually had to forcefully pull his arm from around my waist and say firmly that it was time for the evening to end.
My friend began to question me about this hand holding issue mid-story though, so he missed out on the ending. It’s a doozy of an ending, but I’ll save that for another time. After being asked to rate my comfort level with hand holding against other forms of intimacy, my answers continued to surprise my friend. As far as intimacies go, hand holding is right up there at the top. I’ve dated and kissed my fair share of boys and men, but I’ve only been comfortable holding hands with three. They were serious relationships; in each one marriage was either proposed or very seriously discussed and/or we shared the same dwelling.
I’ve explored this more since that last discussion and realized that I’ve always just taken for granted that others feel the same way as I do.
For me it is so simple and clear -when you love someone, you hold hands.
You know when you’ve been in a relationship for long enough that you ca
n predict your partner’s order at any restaurant? When you are comfortable enough to leave the bathroom door open and he uses your deodorant because he’s in a rush for work and you just smile because you know he’ll smell like you all day? When you come home from work and the kiss is perfunctory because you’re both rushing to get the pizza/living room ready ready to watch your new favorite HBO show? And when you finally settle into the couch together your bodies fall naturally into routine patterns, twisting until you find just the right place – his arm around your shoulders, her head on your lap? That is the deliciously sweet spot.
It is then that you entwine your hands together, fingers falling naturally into place, (someone’s thumb always in front, the other one’s pinkie always last) without even thinking about it. You stand in line at the grocery store together, your hands stretching apart, fingertips still grasping each other lightly when you lean away to check out the impulse items that always snag your attention. He tugs you back to his side and gives you a mock stern look that says, “No. You always regret this.” You giggle in agreement and silently nod, not a word spoken aloud, now leaning against each other…still holding hands. Or perhaps someone loud, crude and potentially unstable is ahead of you in line and you instinctively reach out to grab your significant other’s hand, only to find them already grabbing yours.
That is hand holding. Anything else is pretend and I just don’t like it! It gives me the heebie jeebies. One-night stands are almost commonplace these days. Ask anyone who watches even the commercials for Sex and the City.
One night hand-holdings are far rarer.
So, my friend’s final question to me is this-
“So, you have to choose, sex or hand holding. Which one is truly more intimate?”
I hesitate and tilt my head questioningly, making seesaw motions with my hands.
“You’re serious?!”
I nod. He laughs. We grab another brewski and talk about bleu cheese versus smoked gouda.
Am I alone in this? Is it that odd?
Yup. It leave you emotionally more naked than being naked. You don’t have your body’s pleasures to hide behind… Just the sensation of that connection with another human being. I getcan definitely relate.
Excellent post.
MC
There you go. Thank you, I am happy you liked it! Btw, I’m still pondering the bio. It’s becoming a mountain to conquer. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I thoroughly enjoy a good ponder.
lol. don’t overthink it. how was the weekend? ya know, besides the hives and scratching and all. sounded rough.
Telling me not to over think something is like telling me not to breathe, but I appreciate the sentiment all the same. Weekend was excellent, aside from the hives. Now, if they’d only go away…
It’s the real writers who can take a small detail and turn it into an insightful story like you did here, dear Jennifer. Fantastic. You need to write more. I believe I’m on record. And I think we all learned a lesson about proper hand-holding birth control and wearing latex gloves on first dates.
That is music to my ears, Kruiser dear. Thank you and yes, you are definitely on record. I’m getting better though, don’t you think? Two posts this month. Watch out world, here comes the Jen-valanche!
I think maybe hand holding is so intimate because it’s such a trusting gesture. Little children do it spontaneously when they really like and trust an adult – they reach up and grab their hand. The date guy who wanted to hold hands before he even got to know you was rushing your trust. It is a gesture you do with a sweetheart, not a first date.
And I want to know what the doozy of an ending was.
Exactly, Fleur. It is wholly and solely about trust. You can have sex with someone that you don’t necessarily trust and that does happen all the time. But you most certainly don’t walk around holding hands together everywhere with a stranger or new guy.
I’ll give you a hint. He didn’t take the hint. I had to force him to take the hint. *grin*
I’m not sure I agree with Fleurdamour (and your reply, JKL) about the “trust” part of it or, frankly, about hand-holding with someone with whom you’re not in love being off-limits because of its level of intimacy. I think you’re confusing intimacy with the acknowledgment of togetherness.
I’m definitely anti-hand-holding until there’s more going on than just “dating,” but I’d say the key issue is that it’s done in public. When you’re out in public, and holding hands, you’re advertising that you’re there together, and clearly, with the grabby dork, you weren’t ready to make that statement.
Only the two of you are there when you’re having sex (generally), so those (come on… *way* more intimate, if done right) physical bonds are free to be just fun, or just shared because they feel good, because you’re lonely or don’t have anything else to do – and in that case it has absolutely nothing to do with any sort of public display of ownership. As a corollary, consider the more public part of sex – the “walk of shame.”
All that said (blah) – the paragraph about the TV couch-spooning, the finding of the “deliciously sweet spot” – was one of the most beautiful pieces of prose I’ve read in a while. Keep it up.
My friend agrees with you, I think. I still feel that even in private, my aversion to hand holding with said person would be just as strong. The feeling of the “Walk of Shame” is certainly very different than the one I’m discussing regarding an unwelcome interlocking of fingers. “Walk of Shame” is completely about what others will think about your clandestine behavior (still in the same clothes from the night before, mussed hair and a guilty look on your face makes it feel like you may as well slap a Scarlet Letter on now and get it over with). The hand holding issue, for me is entirely personal. My feelings don’t change about it regardless on the atmosphere around me, people milling in groups or just sitting at home watching NetFlix. In fact, I feel the same heebie jeebies (especially with this kind of aforementioned “bad date”) even when I’m three sheets to the wind, so to speak.
But this topic is definitely one to find many of varying opinions. Really enjoyed hearing your point of view and thank you for “beautiful prose” comment. Kind of made my day!
Excellent post, and now I am more enlightened into why my darling bride loves holding hands more than, well, not holding hands.
I agree with Kruiser about you needing to write more. I learn much from reading others, especially others that are as talented as you are with the written word. I aspire to be a better writer, and you inspire me to do so.
Don’t worry, I save my hand-holding for my wife and children.
I’m always here for insight into the intrepid waters of the female psyche. I know, it can be dangerous without a guide. And even then…phew!
And, Wow, thank you! Inspire you? That is as wonderful compliment as any I’ve ever received.
Hmmm…”honey, I have to be honest because this has been eating me up inside…I…held hands with a someone I met at work”…”honey, I have to be honest because this has been eating me up inside…I…had sex with someone I met at work”…
Yay, Unemployed Dad is back!
Interesting point and yet… The natural response to the hand holding confession would be, “What made you so comfortable with this person that you would hold hands with them?” Hand holding is falling in love or been in love for a long time.
But sex often requires no love. Just desire.
I had not ever thought about this before, especially since that’s never come up lately as dating has not been an issue for more years than I really care to admit. But it is very intriguing none the less.
I don’t think I would call it more intimate than sex. But on the other hand I might go along with that statement for the reason that holding hands signifies taking another step towards even greater intimacy. Like a key unlocks a door so one can step through, the holding hands opens the door to even more intimate acts of touching. I know the moment of touching/holding hands with someone I find myself really liking more and more is thoroughly electric. Even the moments before I’ve made the move the electricity (or hormones) is so present, it’s almost painful, and holding hands with that person is the only way to discharge or ground myself before electrocution happens.
I say hand holding is a key/first step towards more because when dating someone and start holding hands, one can never go back to dating without holding hands. And once one door is opened, the next one seems even closer than the one just walked through. While a person’s religious beliefs may play a part in the progression speed of the relationship, I would say it’s generally not wise to rush into anything too quickly. Slowing down the unlocking of the doors to the different levels of a relationship is a wise idea, and not holding hands is a good way to do just that.
Thanks for the thought provoking post.
“…when you love someone, you hold hands.”
I like this. I agree with it.
Jen,
First, guys from Boston usually don’t try to make a move on women without the U.N. Security Council’s approval.
I agree with you on the hand holding, it’s the best.
We were checking out at the grocery store last evening and this thing in front of us with a huge tat peeking above the back of her near bursting sweat pants. We gave one another a sideward glance and looked back just in time to see the ‘thing’ turn and expose the front side of her ‘baring way too much’ t- shirt which proudly proclaimed, PIMP QUEEN. I thought my wife was going to break my hand.
Mark
Oh, now that is funny! SO exactly what I was getting at. Hand holding is some of the best silent communication there is, reserved only for those truly close people in your life.
Ahh yes handholding is so intimate! It’s also kind of romantic, in a way that sex may not necessarily be. I do think sex can be super intimate and soul-baring etc, but hand holding is definitely on a different level.
Do you think Sex & The City is in part to blame for sex being less intimate?
Absolutely, the romance is so much more tangible and delicate when holding hands.
I always hesitate to blame shows, music, movies, etc., for perceived declines in our social and/or moral values. I think those things are artistic forms of expression, more reflecting rather than affecting our society. While I do see some validity in claims that exposure to gratuitous sex and violence may desensitize our youth and even adults to the acts, overall I still place the responsibility squarely where it belongs – in the hands of parents, real life role models and just people themselves.
That being said, I’m not sure that sex is less intimate, only that hand holding holds the same level of intimacy for me.
And I agree with you very much, when passion and trust are in play, sex can be soul-baring and truly amazing. Or even if you just find someone that clicks with your sexuality and desires. You could say the same about holding hands, I suppose.
I misread that a bit at first, but maybe? maybe not. I thought you meant sex in the/a city. It’s scary, having worked with teen in recent years, how instead of a peck on the cheek or a hug or an arm squeeze, girls were giving blowjobs as a way of saying thanks for…anything. Really surprising.
I’m unclear about what you misread, but you read and really, that is what’s important.
On a serious note, I know what you mean. It is mind-blowing when you get a real sense of how young kids are exploring sex these days. “Exploring” may well be too much of a euphemism here and become misleading. I mean straight up doing. I’m astounded when I talk to 10 and 12 year olds and find out what they know and have already experienced. And I don’t care what anyone says, I know it is getting younger and younger. I’m still young (in my twenties) and I feel like I don’t even recognize this new generation.
I’m not sure what I thought I read when I misread it. I’ve really enjoyed this conversation.
I am not going to blame any one thing, but I do think there are a lot of things that have desensitized us all to all that sex and things associated with it implies. I was personally shocked at the casualness with which teenagers were dealing with the sex issue. What really shocked me (& I don’t know why) is this experience with teens & BJs was held in the high school class in church one Sunday.
Great post, thank you.
Fun read. Well done. I have often said the same thing about kissing. I have a much harder time kissing someone I’m not “into” than having sex with her.
Oops! iPhone typing casualty. Meant to say someone I’m *not* into. But you get the idea
Hand holding definitely wins the uber-intimacy award. It’s so quiet and steady–contemplative, almost. Who wants to be in that space with a stranger? Not me. Kinda freaks me out.
“That space…” Exactly what I was feeling when I wrote this. It is a space issue.
Thank you
Your post swelled tears and drew a sad longing out of me….
It’s been 15 years since I’ve held a sweetheart’s hand (b/c I’ve been hiding out). I’d even forgotten about hand-holding – I swear!
Forgotten.
See, now, maybe I’ll put myself back in the circle – who’d ever thought hand-holding
Almost forgotten